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Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 June 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 June 2018

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! – Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

#joke #animal #dog #lamb
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

“The Black Death! Avo

“The Black Death! Avoid it like the plague!”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday.
"Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Bob, a man of few words, had e

Bob, a man of few words, had evaded many a marital trap, but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young Sue. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Sue?"
She smiled and said, "Oh yes, Bob."
There followed a long silence, till Sue said, "Well, say something more, Bob."
And Bob said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it is."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 November 2017
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

 Car Break Trouble


A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 August 2016
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Normal sex life

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.

"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

#joke #animal #donkey #monkey #lion
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 June 2015
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

As a court clerk, I am well-ve

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 February 2015
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Chuck Norris is the reason why...

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 June 2011
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (60)

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 June 2010
  • Currently 5.65/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (57)

I Want To Appeal A Case

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 June 2011
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (47)

Failed driving test

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 June 2009
  • Currently 4.24/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (45)

A man called to testify at the

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 June 2016
  • Currently 8.86/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (36)

The doctor answered the phone...

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 November 2016
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

Last night, it was so cold

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Johnny Carson (1925-2005)

Picture: AP

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 September 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Lingerie salesperson

“Lingerie salespersons never die, they just slip away.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

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