Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 31 July 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 31 July 2018 |
Top five signs you watch too m
Top five signs you watch too much reality television:5. You get mad at you honey and vote him off the island.
4. Nanny 911 is programmed into your cell phone.
3. After a presentation to a group of important clients, you ask, "Deal or no deal?"
2. Brigitte and Flavor Flav are your idea of Tracy and Hepburn.
1. You greet your boss with "What's up, dawg?"
“Did you hear about t
“Did you hear about the ice cream that died recently? Hundreds and thousands attended his funeral.”
The Biology Song 05
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: "Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing")
Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesn't cure it
Other people's sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.
Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease
Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
Always choose a memorable password!
A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: ..... mypenis.
As he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Fig Leaf Found
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out."What do you have there?" his mother asked.With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" Your chances are better...
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
A chicken and an egg are lying
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissedoff, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Detective test
A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by calamjo
Password
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Competition at the retirement home
An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.
One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.
"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"
"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."
"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"
"Parkinson's."
Lone Ranger
Tonto and the Lone Ranger had a falling out... because the Lone Ranger discovered that "Kimosabee" actually means... "asshole!"Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Dane Cook: Watching The Discovery Channel
Im watching some television tonight. Im watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. Youre flickin around, all of a sudden -- boom -- youre watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
2 Government Mechanical Engineers...
Bill and Bob, two Government mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said Bob, 'But we don't have a ladder.'
The woman said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?' he said.
'We need the height and she gave us the length!'
Bob and Ray are still working for the Government.
Late Bus
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
