Jokes of the day for Thursday, 20 September 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 20 September 2018 |
It's a sunny morning in the B...
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first.
It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time -- I haven't made the stupid porridge yet!!"
So many people buy t...
“So many people buy their groceries at the market on the corner that it seems to have a corner on the market.”
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
Answering Machine Message 181
(From a distance:) Hello I'm far very away from the phone at the moment and can't get to it to take your message, but I'll get back to you as soon as I get nearer to the phone!One day a little girl was sitt...
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Anthony Jeselnik: Gift for Who?
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend. Jeff Dunham: Sissy-ness of the Law
Walter: I aint afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching? What do they do when they arrest somebody? Alright, get in the basket. Little Emily was complaining t...
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." Dark
Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.
One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."
The other says, "I just wish it were dark."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Yo Mama so old...
Yo Mama so old her social security # is 1.Immaculate Misconception
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What happened?" asks the priest.
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
A new bride was a bit embarras...
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
The Shower
Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,
"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was"
A Different Nighttime Prayer
We’ve been letting our six-year-old go to sleep listening to the radio, and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a good idea. Last night he said his prayers and wound up with: “And God bless Mommy and Daddy and Sister. Amen—and FM!” 
