Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 October 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 October 2018 |
This morning I went to sign my
This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.
This is a great country!
Want Me To Paint For You?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
It doesn't hurt to take a har...
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
One Wish...
A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."
The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."
The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."
The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?"
A 90-year-old man said to his...
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have anelderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he wasgoing out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella insteadof his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside thestream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Working late
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way. "And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
The Umbrella
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Missing Thermometer
A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!
Trying to win a Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
A man was walking down the bea...
A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.
Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."
