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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 08 January 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 08 January 2019

“In the mud room was

“In the mud room was a shoe rack shaped like a dinner fork, with a sign over it: 'These are the tines that dry men's soles.'”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

A blonde was filling up applic

A blonde was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: "YES".
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


A few shrimps short of a barbie.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
A looney tune.
#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Absentee Slips

In the HR department in the large corporation where I work, I receive absentee slips for all the employees.
Over the years I’ve heard every excuse, but the other day I found one in my voicemail that I never heard before.
“I won’t be in today,” said my absent coworker. “I’ll call back later with an excuse.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Two Irish nuns have just arriv

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to theother, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we mightas well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor andthey both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs infoil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to abench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers...cautiously: "What part did you get?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 January 2016
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Contemporary art

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 January 2016
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

A wife woke in the middle of t...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 January 2010
  • Currently 6.22/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (76)

What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 January 2012
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (60)

Black Fellah to White Fella...

Black Fellah to White Fellah
Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 January 2010
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (50)

Giving Up Everything

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 January 2018
  • Currently 6.61/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (36)

Tom Papa: Guy in a Speedo

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 January 2012
  • Currently 7.30/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (30)

Never Trust a Street Gang in Heaven

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 November 2009
  • Currently 6.24/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (42)

Gallery Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor." 

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

A Bee from America

What do you call a bee that comes from America?
A USB!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.      

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 August 2016
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (51)

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