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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 15 January 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 15 January 2019

This Man Has Quite The Excuse For Cheating On His Wife

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

#joke #christmas #animal #pig
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (58)

A pastor goes to the dentist f...

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.
The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

My cousin Henry love...

“My cousin Henry loves automotive history. He never gets tired of studying it. He gets Benz out of shape if you say his hobby is a waste of time. It occupies his every spare moment.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

A guy calls a company and orde...

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a signaround her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me youcan have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and hedoes his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happenswith him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that hehas lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the companyto order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscularguy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neckthat reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

Poverty Line

Politician wanted to (bring/uplift) poor people
living below poverty line. He thought that
simplest way will be to tie that poverty line
2 feet below from the existing level so that
those poor people can be brought up quickly
and they will be richer.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 November 2018
  • Currently 2.74/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (23)

Super Sex!!!

A woman, completely fed up with her husband's on-line obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.

One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat, and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!"

He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex".

Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup".

#joke #food #soup
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 January 2016
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 January 2012
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (50)

Why do Morris dancers wear bel...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?
So they can annoy blind people as well.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 January 2010
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (43)

Bush Sues Santa


BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 January 2010
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (42)

Bright Idea

On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.

The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.

Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."

Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."

Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"

"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.

"My Daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"

"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 January 2010
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (39)

The Sailor and the computer

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 January 2016
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (24)

Husband Worried Wife's Temper

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.
Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 June 2017
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

35 New Halloween jokes from 2023

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?

Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!

Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.

Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.

Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.

How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.

How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.

What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.

Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.

Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes

Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.

How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.

What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?

What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?

Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.

Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.

What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.

What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!

Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.

When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.

Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.

Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.

What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!

Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?
He only had one pupil!

What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.

Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

#joke #policeman #halloween #animal #cow #fruit #orange #food #sandwich #sugar #egg #dessert #drinks #coffee
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Why No Luck?

Ole and Lena are driving home from a party one night when Ole gets pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to the window and asks Ole, "Sir, did you realize that you were speeding?"

"No sir," replies Ole, "I had no idea I was speeding."

Suddenly, Lena blurts out, "Yeah you did Ole! You were speeding and you knew it the whole time!"

"Would you be quiet Lena, this isn't the time or the place!"

"Well, you were speeding and now you're trying to lie about it," says Lena.

Ole replies, "Will you just shut up for once, I'm sick of you bossing me around!"

The officer, still standing at the window of the car is surprised at the way Ole is talking to his wife. He asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like this?"

"No," she replies, "only when he's been drinking."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 January 2016
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

What is a question with a d...

Q: What is a question with a different answer every time you're asked?
A: "What time is it?"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 June 2016
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

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