Jokes of the day for Sunday, 10 March 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 10 March 2019 |
In a certain suburban neighbor
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
A man is standing in a bar dri
A man is standing in a bar drinking when a friend walks in. They get to talking and at 10:00 he says, "It's been great, but I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."The immediate response is, "You aren't doing it right. Do what I do. Go home and enter the bedroom quietly. Pull back the covers and slip into bed. Very gently caress your wife and kiss her over and over. Make love passionately for fifteen minutes. And take my word for it that there will be no complaints in the morning."
He decides to try that and continues drinking for another hour before heading home to give this approach a try.
When he gets home, the house is pitch black. He goes quietly into the bedroom, pulls back the covers and takes his friend's advice. There were no complaints, just some contented sighs. He gets up and goes to the bathroom to wash up.
As he walks in, he discovers his wife there. Amazed he cries out, "What are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!" she exclaims. "You'll wake my mother."
Answering Machine Message 109
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Late Appointment
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
“What do you call it
“What do you call it when you take a picture of your favorite bookcase? A shelf-ie!”
Pick-up line comebacks...
He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.
He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?
He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I'm a female impersonator.
He: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
She: Do Not Enter
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.
He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let's pick up some chicks.
He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.
He: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?
A fifteen year-old boy came ho
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began toscream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I boughtit today.""With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like thatfor fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--theyjust moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted tobuy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what shewill do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady livedand found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introducedhimself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteendollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. Ithought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaiiwith his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell hisnew Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
If God Had Voice Mail
Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Should Have Glasses
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
I Want This Done Right
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. "Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
You CAN take it with you?
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
One Minute Birthday
Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.
What's your job?
Me: What's your job? Him: I'm an assassin.
Me: Good pay?
Him: I make a killing!
