Jokes of the day for Friday, 22 March 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 22 March 2019 |
“What do you call a n
“What do you call a neighborhood where several authors live? A writers' block.”
An old Jewish couple were havi
An old Jewish couple were having an argument.Sadie, the Wife: "It's Ha-WAI-i!"
Morris, the Husband: "No, it's Ha-VAI-i!"
Both being extremely stubborn and too proud to look it up, they continued on like this on their way to the grocer's. On their way they bumped into a stranger and decided to finish it once and for all.
Morris: "Hello there. Tell me, please. Is it Ha-WAI-i or Ha-VAI-i?"
The stranger: "Ha-VAI-i."
Morris to Sadie: "See, Sadie? Never doubt me."
Morris to stranger: "Thank you very much."
Stranger: "You're velcome."
Q: Where do sheep get thei
Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa baa shop!
A boss was complaining in a st
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn'tgetting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop andbought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to hisoffice door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone hadtaped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her signback!"
Answering Machine Message 229
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Bad Day On The Golf Course
An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?"
"Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of my life. Jack died out there on the golf course. Just had a heart attack at the second hole and then died."
"Oh, no!" she cried. "How awful for you! He was your best friend! No wonder you are late....."
"Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack......"
It doesn't hurt to take a har...
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Growing Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
A small boy is sent to bed by ...
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad""What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"
A prisoner in jail receives a ...
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation. Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow. David: Oh? What are they going to do? Ali: Circumcise me! David: I had that done when I was just a few days old. Ali: Did it hurt? David: I couldn't walk for a year! A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the crocodile asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The crocodile has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala.
When they get back to the tree, the crocodile looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
Funny Christmas cracker jokes
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
Twerky!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
A husband stepped on one of th...
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"