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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 10 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 10 July 2019

My check-up

“I asked the doctor how my check-up went. All he said was, 'Get will soon.'”

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (16)

Husband over by a car

Two women friends talking:

- You know, I sent my husband to our local market place to buy potatoes today. But on his way there he was run over by a car.

- Oh, that's awful. What will you do now?

- I don't know. I will probably cook rice pudding...

#joke #short #food #pudding #rice
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

A visit with Grandpa...

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

#joke #food #chocolate
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

A nice girl

I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.

She must be homeless.

Photo by Nicole Law from Pexels

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.24/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (42)

Scientific Study Shows

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...
Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.81/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (27)

Walking with your partner

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

#joke #sport #golf #exercise
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

 West Virginia Crazy Law


  • If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.
  • Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
  • No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
  • Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
  • It is illegal to snooze on a train.
  • According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.
  • When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.
  • Whistling underwater is prohibited.

    Alderson


  • One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.

    Nicholas County


  • No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

    Huntington


  • Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.
  • It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

    #joke #doctor #animal #tiger #lion #food #onion
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 October 2015
    • Currently 8.75/10

    Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

    Please stand up

    One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

    After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

    "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

    The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 July 2017
    • Currently 8.99/10

    Rating: 9.0/10 (130)

    Hot Horseradish

    A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

    #joke #food #dinner
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 July 2009
    • Currently 4.00/10

    Rating: 4.0/10 (37)

    AOL Car

    The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

    The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

    The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

    The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

    AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

    Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

    The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

    The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

    Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

    If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

    The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

    AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

    AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

    Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

    It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

    AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

    Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

    It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

    AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

    AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

    Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 July 2011
    • Currently 3.78/10

    Rating: 3.8/10 (37)

    Jeff Dunham: Difficulty in Being Politically Correct

    Jeff Dunham: Youre afraid of offending people?
    Achmed: Yeah.
    Jeff Dunham: Youre a terrorist. You kill people.
    Achmed: Thats different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 July 2011
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (32)

    A lady fixed her husband a spe...

    A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday. After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink. Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.
    When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high heels.
    "What is going on?" she exclaimed.
    Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said, "What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and... be Mary."
    #joke #food #dinner #dessert #meal
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 April 2015
    • Currently 6.50/10

    Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

    Miranda likes to sing, and whe...

    Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside.
    Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"
    "Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 October 2015
    • Currently 8.72/10

    Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

    Just because i appear to believe

    Just because i appear to believe your bullshit, It doesn't mean i'm as stupid as you think. I'm just laughing inside waiting to see what else you come up with.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 April 2016
    • Currently 3.44/10

    Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

    Ant jokes, lighter jokes, and few more

    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
    One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

    Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
    So they threw one cigarette overboard,
    and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

    I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
    They fried me for no raisin

    I have the body of a 24 year old....
    but it's in the freezer

    How do you tell the gender of an ant?
    Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…

    Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
    Because of all the little antey bodies.

    What has two butts and kills people?
    An assassin.

    Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
    So that they can Scandinavian

    I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
    I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

    #joke #animal #ant
    Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
    • Currently 7.50/10

    Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

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