Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 30 July 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 30 July 2019 |
A blonde decided to commit sui
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
Fly Doctor, Doctor Fly
In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant. After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep.
The fly doctor assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open."
The heart doctor blushed.
Have A Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you
If God Had Voice Mail
Thank you for calling heaven. I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.If you would like to speak to:God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. The Holy Spirit, press 3.If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.An old man was relaxing at his
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."
Bishop & the Bellringers
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Banging pussy
There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.
" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".
On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".
Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop
to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.
While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".
On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Send the Wine Back
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at hisregular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying
it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man,
then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
Submitted by Verlaine
Editted by Curtis
The doct...
The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy."Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000"
"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.
"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."
Robert Schmidt 05
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
A frustrated wife buys a pair...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank f*** for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Chelsea Handler: AA Meetings
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- Ive never needed a drink more badly in my life. 
