Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 September 2019

Never Made A Mistake

I never made a mistake in my life!
I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Classy counter tops

“What fruit makes for classy counter tops? Pomegranite.”

Goldfish in bathtub

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend Lauren over to see all her beautiful goldfish.

Lauren is impressed, and says, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Diane replied, "Simple. I just blindfold them!"

Eggs in marriage

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.

"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

 This Dog Loves People

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.
While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.
Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."
"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

Lengthy sermons...

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Kissing a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

Dan Naturman: Airplane Movie Safety

Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so Im thinking, Would a hijacker watch a movie? Probably not, right?... But you know its a good movie if you land, and hes like, Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.

Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Starting At 8:05

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."

He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

“A cannonball is a pa...

“A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.”

A few fresh jokes to start Monday with a smile on your face

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese. "Sorry" she replied. "We only accept cash"

A fly with a bug on its back said
Hey is that a mite? The mite replied "I mite be".
The fly replied that's the worst joke I've ever heard!
The mite said, well I came up with it on the fly!

I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him…
He was useless!
I need a flatter dog!

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!

Laying Turf

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply.

"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

Mice and Light Bulbs

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, if they're small enough.

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
2. Hide all of the desktop icons on someone’s computer and replace the monitor’s wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
3. Put a “Please Use Other Door” sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
4. Put a balloon on the tailpipe of a someone’s car so it will pop when they start their car.
5. Glue the headset of someone’s phone down to the cradle.