Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 November 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 November 2019 |
Signs Found In The Kitchen
1. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
2. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
3. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
4. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
5. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
6. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
7. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
8. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
9. If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
10. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
11. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
17. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I a married to a speed bump.
19. Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
20. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
“Having not done laun
“Having not done laundry for a few days, I had to dig deep in my drawers for more underwear.”
People With Busy Lives
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
St. Paul, Minnesota:
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
Great truths about life that adults have learned...
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
The Pope just finished a tour
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousineto the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur ifhe could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along theroadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph tosee what the limo could do.Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his sidemirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered inthrough the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to callin."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a veryimportant person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! Thisguy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as hischauffeur."
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." Donald Glover: Crazy Men Stories
Why dont women have crazy men stories? I dont really hear them. And then I realized, its because if you got a crazy boyfriend, youre going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize theyre crazy, its like, Time to kill everything I love. The End Is Near!
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
First Thing to do after Jail
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Donald Glover: Gold Star Power
When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. Its like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, What are you doing? Someone called him the n-word. Close Shave
My neighbor shaves 15-20 times a day...
No, he's not crazy... he's just a barber.
A new manager spends a week at...
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"
