Jokes of the day for Friday, 06 December 2019

“The retired weaver l

“The retired weaver liked to watch Star Trek and Lassie re-runs, dividing his leisure time between the warp and the woof.”

An 8-year-old girl asks her fa

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy,what is sex?" The father is somewhatsurprised that she would ask such aquestion. But, he reckons if she's oldenough to ask the question, then surelyshe's old enough for a straight answer.So, the father proceeds to tell his youngdaughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girlappears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way,dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tellyou that dinner would be ready in just acouple of secs."

 Steal Little Things

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 17, 1993
In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.

Chronic Evil

Hebert was being examined by the family doctor who, after carefully examining said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness."
"Shh!" cautioned Hebert. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly as the wife is sitting in the next room."

In order to pay his medical sc...

In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer. One was as a butcher's assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat.
One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, "God save me! It's the butcher!"

Beethoven's Ninth

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

A Guy was staying in a fancy h...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

What Will The Neighbors Think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."

Finally, the good-natured boss...

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

Carlos Mencia: Super-Fence

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they cant get back in. And I went, Um, whos gonna build it?

He Remembered

A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.

New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

Credit Cards

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Several food jokes, and few more

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you.
It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party?
You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese,
but I think that I may have greater problems.

Virgin wife

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"