Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 08 January 2020

I can't afford long dist

I can't afford long distance calls. I'm down to my last far thing.

The knitter

“The knitter did not say much but she shrugged a lot!”

The Lobster and Dinner

A fisherman carrying a lobster bumped into a friend on the way home.
“Where are you going with the lobster under your arm?” asked his friend.
The fisherman answered, “I’m taking him home to dinner.”
Just then the lobster spoke up, “I’ve already had my dinner, can we go to a movie instead?”

A woman goes to the Doctor, wo...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."
The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."
Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"
The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."

When a woman wears leather clo

When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry
He goes week in the knees
And he begins to think irrationally
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck!!!

Adam's ribs

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 True Stupid Stories 01

Really Stupid People
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

A wife woke in the middle of t...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

Black Fellah to White Fella...

Black Fellah to White Fellah
Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!

Giving Up Everything

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Tom Papa: Guy in a Speedo

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

Mr. Jones is driving past the...

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans

I dont know if youve ever been to England, but as soon as they find out youre from America, they hate you. They just think theyre more sophisticated than we are. Theyre so pissed at us. You know what it is? Theyre mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.

A married couple was in a terr...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.