Jokes of the day for Sunday, 16 February 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 16 February 2020 |
Pro-bestiality lobbyists alway
Pro-bestiality lobbyists always seem to have an ox to grind!There once was a man who owned
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
Flying In The Plane
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
“My uncle is the bass
“My uncle is the bass in a barbershop quartet. Yesterday was his first time to sing so low.”
Keeping School Clean
Teacher to the class: "How can we keep our school clean?"
Student: "By staying at home?"
A little help please...
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
On a given night, 2 death row
On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted onold sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor administers tothe other condemned man in his cell."Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltagereaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."
Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block.The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screamingabout?"
Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the firstexecution "by candles".
Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-t...
Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.The Wailing Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes anapartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old
man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you
done that and what are you praying for?" The old man
replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In
the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she
asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a
wall."
Chuck Norris doesn't brush his...
Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth, he scares the plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.Census...
Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
Compassion With an Umbrella
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
An Inscription Problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
