Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 February 2019

Dr. Phil was conducting a ther...

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said,"You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Keeping School Clean

Teacher to the class: "How can we keep our school clean?"
Student: "By staying at home?"

A redneck couple, both bona fi...

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Read this question, come up wi

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..


Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

 Knock Knock Collection 079

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hacienda!
Hacienda who?
Hacienda the story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hagar!
Hagar who?
Hagar, you with the stars in your eyes....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haifa!
Haifa who?
Haifa cake is better than none!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hair!
Hair who?
Hair today, gone tomorrow!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haiti!
Haiti who?
Haiti see a good thing go to waste!

“Did you hear about t

“Did you hear about the dog who ran two miles to bring back his master's stick? Personally, I think it's a bit far-fetched.”

Authorized Personnel Only

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

Faith in God...

A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come up. The water starts rising, and before you know it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered. Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.

The guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to save you. Get in the boat.' The guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that God will save me.'

The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy is forced up the second floor of his house by the flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.' From the second floor window the guy says, 'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll save me.'

The boat leaves. Water's rising. The guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come now you're going to drown.' The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will save me.'

The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he would save me. Why did he let me down?'

And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?'

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-t...

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.

The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an

apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she

looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,

the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old

man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you

done that and what are you praying for?" The old man

replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In

the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come

back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from

the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she

asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a

wall."

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his...

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth, he scares the plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.

Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

You CAN take it with you?

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

Cal was out driving in the cou...

Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.
When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.
The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.
About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.
The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."
The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."
The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea...then why are you here?"
The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."