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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 17 February 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 17 February 2019

Grandpa, Did God Make You?

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.91/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (22)

Its hard to describe in one se...

Its hard to describe in one sentence the Obama legacy so far. What with earning a Nobel Peace Prize, getting U.S. troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, closing Guantanamo Bay, trying terrorists in Federal Courts on U.S. soil, stopping the influx of illegal aliens, creating jobs, lowering the deficit, balancing the budget and cutting the cost of medical treatment while insuring the masses.
Some critics have asked the difference between Obama's accomplishments and a car battery.
A car battery has a positive side.
#joke
  • Currently 2.97/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (66)

SLIDESHOW #36 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A judge was interviewing a wom...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

 Cat Jokes 02


Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A: A peeping tom!

Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?

A: Because he has sandy claws!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!


#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It

Most people will say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
An engineer will say, "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

“Did you hear about t

“Did you hear about the dog who ran two miles to bring back his master's stick? Personally, I think it's a bit far-fetched.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Geography of a Woman...

Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 November 2018
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (16)

Court case

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 February 2016
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (20)

Slept with

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 February 2015
  • Currently 8.87/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (68)

Whenever John wanted to have s...

Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 February 2010
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (43)

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 February 2009
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (34)

Grandpa and Grandpa...

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 February 2017
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

On the first day God created t...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (*sigh*).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (...???...)

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 November 2009
  • Currently 7.93/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (45)

Hot Water

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."  

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 August 2015
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

Chihuahua at the vets

A man brings his Chihuahua to the vet.
They’re immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I’ve only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It’s $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

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