Jokes of the day for Sunday, 08 March 2020

 Chemistry Song 10

We Wish You a Happy Halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.
Good acid we bring
to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
and a happy halogen.

A New Joke

Carl: I heard a new joke the other day. I wonder if I told it to you?
Lenny: Is it funny?
Carl: Yes.
Lenny: Then you didn’t.

“That arsonist destro

“That arsonist destroyed all my scissors. Shear torcher!”

A Texas business man, while in

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.
Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!. Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet...
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked, "Wrong hole? What you mean wrong hole?"

Two bachelors...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,
their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...''

This World Cup was one for the...

This World Cup was one for the Guinness Book of Redcards.

the blonde and the b

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"

she looked confused and said "where we going?"

During a terrible storm, all t...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”
“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Mom Would Never Say

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
   
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
   
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
   
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
   
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
   
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
   
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
   
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
   
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
   

Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if its long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.

The middle aged man was visibl...

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order' , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law."
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

A blonde goes to the doctor's...

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

Looking Better

What is the difference between a salon and a saloon?
A salon is where you go to make yourself look better.
A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.

Passionate kiss like spider's...

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.