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Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 May 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 01 May 2020

Your Brother's Composition

Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy this?
Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

"Steven," said the glum-faced

"Steven," said the glum-faced young man, "I'm so sorry! I just heard your Uncle Archie fell from a cliff. Were you very close to him?
"Just close enough to give him a push," answered Steven.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

“I sure felt a lot be

“I sure felt a lot better after buying a parking structure last week.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.54/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (24)

An older, white haired man wal...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for hisgirlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring andshowed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something veryspecial."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and broughtanother ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The younglady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, bycheck. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write itnow and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pickthe ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's nomoney in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 9.02/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (51)

At The Public Pool


The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

How would Alien Spider Trump r

How would Alien Spider Trump rule? A: By eggsackutive order.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 July 2017
  • Currently 1.33/10

Rating: 1.3/10 (12)

Special childrens rate...

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 May 2017
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

A man walks into a bar and he'...

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "no, Iam
#joke #lawyer #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (87)

Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."      

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 May 2017
  • Currently 8.87/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (68)

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 6.35/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (66)

A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 7.41/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (49)

Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism

Theres a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. You drink too much. You sleep too much. Its like, if you were drunk all the time, youd be tired, too.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 5.24/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (41)

Will you marry me?

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 November 2012
  • Currently 8.51/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (37)

Sticky Hair?

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.

Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (42)

A young woman said to her d...

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.' The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 October 2009
  • Currently 6.49/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (70)

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