Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 June 2020

The mus

The museum is unveiling a mural of the great Stooge's most famous quotations. Make sure to visit this fantastic Moe-say-ic.

A Personal Trainer

I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't feel I'm fit enough for the job...
I’ve handed in my 'Too Weak' notice.

 A Very Interesting Fact

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

Common Famous Last Words

Common Famous Last Words

1. Hey yall, watch this!

2. Hey you! Yeah, you. You got a problem?

3. Honey, wait, I can explain!

4. Does that smell like gas to you?

5. I'm telling you, that sign says we're going the wrong way!

6. Officer, this not a gun, it's just my comb.

7. Are you sure you gave the ambulance our new address?

8. Okay, roger that. I'm cutting the blue wire.

9. That dog doesn't look all that mean to me.

10. Don't worry, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

11. I don't need those depression pills anymore.

12. Hey you, that sign says "No Smoking" for a reason!

Ballerina Costumes

“Costumes are very important for a ballerina. She keeps them in her special tulle box.”

Two bats

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."

Why are the blinds drawn...

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street", the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

dumb blondes

10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to

THE END

A tough looking group of hairy...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

News headlines 04

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

Are You Eating Right

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."

Jamaican party

The wife and I are going to a Jamaican party. She told me she wants her hair braided.
I'm dreading it.

Every guy

Every guy thinks that every girls dream is to find the perfect guy….Please, every girls dream is to eat without getting fat.