Jokes of the day for Friday, 31 July 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 31 July 2020 |
A screenwriter comes home to a
A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" he asks."Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I barely made it out of the house alive..."
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
“What evaluation proc
“What evaluation process is used by the Journal of Dermatological Science? Pore review.”
Always Friends
Boy 1: "As long as you are in school, two things will always be your friends."
Boy 2: "Who are they?
Boy1: "Classwork and Homework!"
Life choices...
![Life choices...](/jokes-archive/2017/08/13/Life-choices-.jpg.400.jpg)
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"
Many environmentalists are als...
Many environmentalists are also writers. They have many litter rarely qualities.Detective test
![Detective test](/jokes-archive/2010/07/31/Detective-test.jpg.400.jpg)
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by calamjo
Password
![Password](/jokes-archive/2011/07/31/Password.jpg.400.jpg)
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Competition at the retirement home
![Competition at the retirement home](/jokes-archive/2012/07/31/Competition-at-the-retirement-home.jpg.400.jpg)
An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.
One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.
"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"
"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."
"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"
"Parkinson's."
Lone Ranger
Tonto and the Lone Ranger had a falling out... because the Lone Ranger discovered that "Kimosabee" actually means... "asshole!"Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Dane Cook: Watching The Discovery Channel
Im watching some television tonight. Im watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. Youre flickin around, all of a sudden -- boom -- youre watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.A Jewish Landing
![A Jewish Landing](/jokes-archive/2009/05/29/A-Jewish-Landing.jpg.400.jpg)
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off.""To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."
Henry Ford dies and goes to he...
![Henry Ford dies and goes to he...](/jokes-archive/2019/02/08/Henry-Ford-dies-and-goes-to-he-.jpg.400.jpg)
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to theThrone Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the CelestialSupercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It maybe that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "butaccording to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
No one else sees life through your eyes
![No one else sees life through your eyes](/jokes-archive/2016/03/08/No-one-else-sees-life-through-your-eyes.jpg.400.jpg)
Two Drops
![Two Drops](/jokes-archive/2015/09/17/Two-Drops.jpg.400.jpg)
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."