Jokes of the day for Thursday, 17 September 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 17 September 2020 |
An elementary school teacher,
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
Answering Machine Message 29
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Under a tack ....
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.
The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."
Mr. Johnson had been retired f
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 yearssuggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and makewild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottleof seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasickpills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising theworld?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles ofseasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. Thepharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, whythe hell do you do it?"
100 pound pig
![100 pound pig](/jokes-archive/2011/09/17/100-pound-pig.jpg.400.jpg)
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
A passenger in a taxi leaned o...
![A passenger in a taxi leaned o...](/jokes-archive/2010/09/17/A-passenger-in-a-taxi-leaned-o-.jpg.400.jpg)
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
How to Make Holy Water
![How to Make Holy Water](/jokes-archive/2017/09/17/How-to-Make-Holy-Water.jpg.400.jpg)
A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
Expensive Barbie!
![Expensive Barbie!](/jokes-archive/2016/09/17/Expensive-Barbie-21.jpg.400.jpg)
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating
![Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating](/jokes-archive/2010/08/29/Kathleen-Madigan-3A-Figure-Skating.jpg.400.jpg)
It's sad how quickly people can forget
![It's sad how quickly people can forget](/jokes-archive/2015/12/02/It-8217-s-sad-how-quickly-people-can-forget.jpg.400.jpg)
The good, the bad and the ugly...
![The good, the bad and the ugly...](/jokes-archive/2017/03/22/The-good-2C-the-bad-and-the-ugly-.jpg.400.jpg)
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections