Jokes of the day for Friday, 18 September 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 18 September 2020 |
The manager who couldn't
The manager who couldn't afford new pens obviously didn't have a Bic budget.Make Up Your Mind
Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders...
Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
An elementary school teacher,
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
Answering Machine Message 29
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Geraniums....
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
Mr. Johnson had been retired f
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 yearssuggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and makewild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottleof seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasickpills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising theworld?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles ofseasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. Thepharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, whythe hell do you do it?"
Tired sperm
Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and hottrouble1
How's Norma?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother, in her weak tremulous voice said, ''Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse told me that Norma is doing very well.. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work is normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me s**t.'
Found on https://allnurses.com/norma-t270187/, posted on Mar 22, 2009 by HeartsOpenWide.
Wedding a Virgin
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!"
A young man at this constructi...
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
Thai Rivera: Paying Customer
I cant stand homeless people. I dont feel bad about saying it. I dont mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain. Password
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
7 new jokes for a good start of the week
I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!
Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.
I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!
My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!
Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.
I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.
I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.
On The Way To Heaven
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!!"
