Jokes of the day for Sunday, 22 November 2020

A man walks over the Red Light

A man walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him. He stops, bangs on the window and asks, "So, what does this cost?"
The hooker replies, "25 dollars."
The man said, "Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated windows."

That Was A Threat

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Tailor-made suit

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went tothe finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later hewent in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to puthis hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were nopockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tellme you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in hisown pockets?"

I want to sell my ears. Somebo

I want to sell my ears. Somebody offered me aural for them, but I won't take any lobal offers. I'm gonna play the cartilage I was dealt. I gotta drum up some cash. The deal's gonna be done tinnitus. Ring it through: I bid my ears, ‘audios‘.

The Sailor And The Pirate

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

A little boy opened the big an...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Taxi Driver In Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

“What happened to the...

“What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.”

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

Halloween party

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies,

'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well,' the cab driver says, 'I've always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'

The nun says, 'OK, pull into the next alley.'

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, why are you crying?' says the nun.

'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned,' says the cabby. 'I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'

Russian Military Strategy

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, 'Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, 'Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, 'All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, 'General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, 'Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the number of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?

Big Thanks to Joseph Pontarelli for sharing

More Halloween 2018 jokes

What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!

What do birds say on Halloween?
Twick or tweet

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!

Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!

What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween?
Being her broom!

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers.

What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him?
I can see right through you.

Hair Color

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."  

Special golf ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had just one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

"Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s OK,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”

The other guy replied, “That’s OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back -- no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach

I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I’m far from being considered a model but, I’m me. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I love my Pj’s and I go without makeup and sometimes don’t get my hair done. I’m random and sometimes I say crazy things. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won’t change! And if I love you…I do it with all my Heart! I make no apologies for who I am.