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Jokes of the day for Monday, 11 January 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 11 January 2021

A Break In Two Places

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

12 Types of People on Facebook

12 Types of People on Facebook
All of us on Facebook have at least one of each of these types of friends on our list:
1) The "Rooster" -- Always tells Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" -- Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status when seeing you in public.
3) The "Hyena" -- Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" -- Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.
5) The "Gamer" -- Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Bejeweled Blitz, and bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc. (ALL DAY).
6) The "Cynic" -- Hates his life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of his status updates.
7) The "Collector" -- Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" -- Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" -- Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
10) "Drama Queen/King" -- This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!" or "They gonna make me snap today!" in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong ... but then never finishes telling the story.
11) The "News" -- Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and lastly...
12) The "Thief" -- Steals status updates ... and will probably steal this one ...
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 November 2020
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #3 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Playing doctor...

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said.

"Forget sexuality!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 January 2015
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 January 2010
  • Currently 5.85/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (79)

Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 January 2009
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (46)

Chuck Norris graduated from sc...

Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 January 2012
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (46)

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 January 2009
  • Currently 5.69/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (42)

Brave captain

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.

In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.

About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership.

Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"

#joke
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

E-Mail to Loving Wife

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer .

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife’s exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.“

The same joke, placed elsewhere, and with more wording to it:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: November 18, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.

Both jokes found on https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/hotmail/, Last updated: 20 October 2007, older references no longer exist

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 August 2019
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"            

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 21 April 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

A sad-faced Doug walked into a...

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.
The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 March 2009
  • Currently 6.87/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (15)

Celtic Mortality

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 April 2013
  • Currently 5.51/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (37)

Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"     

#joke
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

Wrong way....

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 May 2017
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (23)

How kind you are?

No matter how kind you are,

German children are kinder.

Joke found on reddit, posted by mattsulli in 2016

Photo by Elliot11 Medino on Pixabay

#joke #pun #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 July 2019
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

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