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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 12 January 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 12 January 2021

Your Resume Says

Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."
Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Old enough to do as I please

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 September 2020
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

SLIDESHOW #46 - Funny Photo Slideshow

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 April 2016
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (45)

The best way to end a fight...

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "if that was true, that would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 January 2015
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 6.35/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (52)

Even when the man is listening what wife liked for her birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2016
  • Currently 8.98/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (40)

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (39)

Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son

Ive got a three-year-old son. Its like living with a crazy midget.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2012
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (33)

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (29)

Each evening bird-lover Tom st...

Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 October 2016
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 December 2009
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (65)

What happened?

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"

"What happened?," asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 November 2015
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

A lawyer's dog, running about...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
In a few days, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 June 2016
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

People who have been single for too long

People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love. They have become so used to being single, independent and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 May 2016
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Training The Blonde

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 July 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

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