Jokes of the day for Saturday, 10 April 2021

A man standing at a urinal not

A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget.
"Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.
Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look."
Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.
Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Cooking Kale

Pro tip: if you add coconut oil to your kale...
It makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.

Buy your grade...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Rome did not create a great em

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it bykilling all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probablyhaven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Reasonable doubt...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

A plus

A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Submitted by Curtis

Did You Make A Donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Shane Mauss: Crazy Expressions

Expressions are crazy. How about the one, What crawled up your ass and died? Thats a strange one; it means a persons in a bad mood or whatever. It doesnt make any sense. I think that one would be in a worse mood if said thing were still alive.

A motorist caught by a speed c...

A motorist caught by a speed camera received notification of a fine in the mail, plus a picture of his vehicle. Duly impressed, he sent back the notification along with a photo of a $100 note to pay the fine.

Twisted people i know

Some of the most sick, twisted people i know are the ones i am proud to call my Friends.

I have learned how t...

“I have learned how to take a compliment because I'm not usually offered any.”

A young man was walking throug...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Who pushed the forward button on my weekend

Alright… Who pushed the forward button on my weekend?

Inside Joke

My mate recently got divorced from his wife.
They decided to split the house.
He got the outside.

Lack of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, But you know Doc, Im blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when Im done!

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called Georges wife and said, Your husbands test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night. Thelma exclaimed, That old fool! Hes been peeing in the refrigerator again!