Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 June 2021

Another

Another update from South America's War on Drugs:

#joke #short

50 Years of Marriage

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"  

The woman was happily showing

The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat," said a friend.
"He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him kissing the maid."
"Oh, how dreadful," replied the friend,sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"
At this, the woman smiled and replied, "Oh no no... you see, I still need a new hat."

A Minister Smarter Than Einstein?

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshippers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.”Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he though, the more the wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

New Garlic Diet

Did you hear about the new garlic diet?
You don't actually lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance.

Life's a test...graded on a curve...

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

The secret of a good sermon is

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal

Just like mom

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

It was the kindergarten teache...

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

Working at a pickle factory

A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."

His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."

The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."

Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"

The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"

The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"

"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"

The man sobs, "She got fired, too."

Ted Alexandro: Personal Trainer

My sisters a personal trainer. Thats a tough job. I dont think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. Can you help me define my abs? Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.

A policeman pulled a car over...

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

You Might Be A Redneck If 68

You might be a reneck if...
You can chew your own toenails.
You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn't spit it out.
Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.
You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.
Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.

Two penguins

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."