Join us on
WhatsApp
Join us on
Telegram
Join us on
Viber

Jokes of the day for Monday, 16 August 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 16 August 2021

Speaking English is paradoxica

Speaking English is paradoxical: it often requires one to take a vowel of silence.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

The Spoon

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".

Spoons


The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

#joke #food #dinner #dessert
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (15)

Throwing Darts

Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single throw hitting the target.
From another room the wife calls, "Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband: "MISSING YOU..."

#joke #short #food #honey
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
#joke #food #lunch #meal #eating #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 July 2021
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

Man: Just look at that young p

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 December 2018
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

Actual instruction lables found on products...

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

#joke #christmas #food #bread #dinner #peanuts #pudding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 September 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

One day as Monica Lewinsky was

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senatetrial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up onshore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and beholda genie popped out.
"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me,I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while,and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these lovehandles."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff ofsmoke...
And her ears promptly fell off.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 15 August 2015
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was real...

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 August 2011
  • Currently 2.95/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (58)

Little Johnny was sitting in c...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
#joke #animal #bird #food #eating #wedding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 August 2010
  • Currently 6.35/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (43)

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 August 2011
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (42)

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 August 2016
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (37)

Bad Temper Problem


Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 August 2010
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (33)

Why do cats always get their way

Today is "Respect Your Cat Day", so respect your cat!

Why do cats always get their way?
Because they're purr-suasive negotiators!

Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Quiet wife

A man's wife is sitting in the backseat while he's driving.

A cop pulls him over and says: Your wife fell out of the car about a mile back.

The man says: Thanks, I thought I'd gone deaf.

Author:gagga_hai

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 March 2018
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

I am trying to make friends ou...

I am trying to make friends outside ofFacebook while applying the same principles.
therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten,how I feel at the moment, what I have donethe night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and ofme gardening, taking things apart in the garage, wateringthe lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving aroundtown, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up"and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have fourpeople following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 January 2017
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.