Jokes of the day for Thursday, 27 January 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 27 January 2022 |
Somebody groped me. But no har
Somebody groped me. But no hard feelings.Two Roaches Discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
Patton Oswalt: The Apocalypse
Were probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know whats kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the ground opening up and demons flying out and gnawing on your flesh -- it means a couple of things. One: It means that Im wrong, and there is God and there is an afterlife. Two: It means that since there is an afterlife, you will be in the f**king VIP section of the afterlife. A new soldier was on sentry du...
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates
Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?” Bum Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."
I finally got one over
The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'
Spanish Fly
A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.
She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink.
The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.
Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that in her drink.
As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy.
Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear. 'Let's go shopping.'
Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall
Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down? A: Because their belts are on their hats.
My Brother, Taco
Alexander Graham Bell: “I invented the telephone!”
His brother, Taco: “I’m working on some pretty big stuff too.”
A guy is 86 years old and love...
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you haveever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
JB Smoove: Sound System
I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. My sister was tellin...
“My sister was telling me about our cousin. I have to say, he sounds familia.”
