Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 March 2022

Invest in puns, corny<

Invest in puns, corny puns! The stalk mock-it has never been higher.

The Mime Next Door

I got angry with the mime that lived next door to me.
To get even I played a blank CD over and over.
That drove him crazy.

A duck hunter was out enjoying

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Where's your homework?

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!

Fact or fiction?

Fact  or fiction (you make the  call):   

1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.     
2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.     
3.  Married  life is very frustrating.  In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbours listen..     
4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.     
5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.     
6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.     
7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.       
8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.     
9.  A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!       
10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.       
11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.
13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.
14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15.  There  are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

I love this story – from the blonde files

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, 'I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.'
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: 'I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately got up and said, 'okay, thank you'. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, 'I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York.'

A circus owner runs an ad for

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”

Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Childless Smokey the Bear

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?
A: Every time his wife got hot, he stamped her out.

Who takes care of the farm ...

Q. Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?
A. The pharmacist!

God gave men a penis and a brain

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams (1951-2014)

Picture: REX

Stupid People Awards

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).
The 1997 nominees are:
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."
Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!

Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Father: Son, today is your exa...

Father: Son, today is your exam. If you fail, that's it, don't ever call me your father again. Got it?
Son: Okay dad! I'll do my best!
After the exam..
Father: So, how's the exam?
Son: Sorry Sir, do I know you?