Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 15 June 2022

I met a

I met a hobo on the street who was quite contemplative. It must have been the mulled wino.

Bury Me in Bloomingdales

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales."Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?""Then I'll be sure my daughters visit twice a week."-

Swallowed by a Whale

A sailor was swallowed by a whale and lived to tell the tale.
When asked by a reporter what the scariest part was he answered, "The graffiti... someone wrote 'Pinocchio was here.'"

A guy was standing glumly at t

A guy was standing glumly at the bar.
"What's up?" asked his friend.
"My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our love lives."
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Well, unfortunately 'Guess who I shagged last night?' didn't go down too well."

Perfect...

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

You’re in Charge of...

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling" To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?

The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him" So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him." The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of Sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

Macgyver can build an airplane...

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Shooting The Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Jonathan Corbett: Retired Father

My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And its really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that hes finally able to do those things in life that hes always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.

Vic Henley: Soccer Heckling

All the British fans start singing to the German fans, If you won the war, stand up! Right, I think this is the greatest thing Ive ever heard at a sporting event because theres no snappy comeback for that, is there?

Recalled Chrstimas Toys

Recalled Christmas Toys

1. Broken Bag-O-Glass
   
   
2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
   
   
3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
   
   
4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
   
   
5. Switchblade Barney
   
   
6. Pork-n-Beany Babies
   
   
7. Make your own moonshine kit
   
   
8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
   
   

A bunch of Indians capture a c...

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, dammit! P-O-S-S-E!"

Drinking enough

Today, people are drinking enough liquid to turn the O'sheas green.

Who's Your Daddy?

While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.
"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.
"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."
Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"

Are You Free Tonight?

A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door. He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?"
He blurts out, "Yes!"
She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"