Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 August 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 04 August 2022 |
What the maestro said when the
What the maestro said when the orchestra player sneezed: “Bassoonteit!”Holy Water
Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.
Jesus Walks Into a Hotel
Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps three nails down on the counter, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”-A man went to his lawyer and t...
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?""Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
Clocks in heaven....
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Church Bell
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
3 little boys
Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The firstlittle black boy says, "What would you do with a million
dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac
over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink
Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy
asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy
replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked
"why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of
hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!
Mark Gross: Can You Help?
A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge. 
The Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
You might be a redneck if 28
You might be a redneck if...Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
7 new jokes for a good start of the week
I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!
Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.
I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!
My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!
Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.
I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.
I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.
World Party Day joke
Today is World Party Day! Have a party!
A guy showed up at his friend's costume party carrying a woman on his back.
The host asked, "What on earth are you dressed as?" The guy replied, "I'm a snail."
The host, looking puzzled, said, "How can you be a snail when all you have is that woman on your back?"
The guy responded, "Oh, that's not just any woman, my friend, that's Michelle."
Three little ducks
Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.
"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
22 Friday The 13th Jokes
What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.
Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.
What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.
What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.
Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.
Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.
Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.
What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.
Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.
What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.
Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.
What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.
Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.
What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.
Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.
Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.
How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.
Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.
What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.
What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.
What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.
