Jokes of the day for Monday, 31 October 2022

Did the world end? Oops…

Did the world end? Oops… never Mayan!

The New Pastor in Town

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in. Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures. The old priest says, “Good, now, don’t you think that's a little better than slapping your knew and saying, ‘No way! You did what?'"

Best Friends

What kind of alien makes the best of friends?
The one that is down to Earth.

Cowboys secret

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Cork Screw

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."      

Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.

"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."

A funeral service is being hel...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten ...

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.

Where Is My Goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

He who laughs last thinks slow...

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

 New Yorkers Arrived

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,
there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."

First Date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
9. I'm pine-ing for you.
10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
11. Your presents are requested.
12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
25. I only have ice for you.
26. It is ice to meet you.
27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
39. That look soots you.
40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
46. You sleigh me.
47. I’ll never fir-get.
48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
49. You’re the best person I snow.
50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
52. Rebel without a Claus.
53. You’re my soul Santa.
54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
64. He is a fungi to be with.
65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
83. Have a meowy Christmas.
84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
85. May your days be meowy and bright.
86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
88. Catty Canes.
89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
91. I love hanging with you this season.
92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
97. This year my tree is #ballin.
98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
101. Birch, please.
102. I love the festive season more than you think.
103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
104. I’m having fun fir sure.
105. I love you a whole watt.
106. What a de-light you are to be around.
107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.

A policeman is on scene at a t...

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard", and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard". Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

I Would Like To Havea Second Opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.