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Jokes of the day for Friday, 19 August 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 19 August 2016

A policeman is on scene at a t...

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard", and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard". Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

 Answering Machine Message 129


Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

The inventor of pantyhose...

“The inventor of pantyhose really left us quite a legacy.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - On a scale of 1$ to 10$ how attractive are you?

On a scale of 1$ to 10$ how attractive are you? - Best not tip jar ever | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

A judge was interviewing a wom...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (16)

The dorm rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (46)

Make God Laugh

You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 August 2010
  • Currently 5.09/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (53)

Mirror Mirror

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.

"This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 August 2010
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (45)

Bush vs. Osama

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

#joke #animal #dog #alligator #drinks #milk
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 August 2011
  • Currently 4.41/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (39)

Model Nun

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.

"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"

#joke #animal #camel
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 August 2012
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (35)

Condom

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 November 2014
  • Currently 6.46/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (37)

Tom Shillue: Pose for a Painting

When I meet a girl, I ask her to pose nude for a painting Im doing because thats a very good way to get her to sleep with me.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 November 2011
  • Currently 2.15/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (60)

Spiderman's Jacket

Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread?
It's a Pita Parka.

#joke #short #food #bread
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

A very large, old building was...

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, "Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

ChatGPT jokes

Two ChatGPT models were talking.
One says:
"Did you hear the one about the computer that could finish sentences?
The other replies:
"Yeah, but I already knew what it was going to say."

ChatGPT goes to a restaurant and orders alphabet soup.
The waiter asks:
"Why alphabet soup?"
ChatGPT replies:
"I'm just trying to improve my vocabulary!"

How many ChatGPTs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it will come up with 100 different ways to tell you how it's done.

#joke #food #soup
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

The vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 9.11/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (36)

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