Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 August 2016
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 August 2016
A mechanic was removing a cyli...A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
“A matchmaker makes m
“A matchmaker makes matches in order to find you the light of your life.”
The heaviest element known toThe heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has anucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 juniorvice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 juniorassistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at whichtime it does not decay but institutes a series of reviewsleading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchangeof tiny particles known as morons.
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
You Might Be A Redneck If 06
You might be a redneck if...
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
Converting to the Society of Friends
Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!
Maria Bamford: 30 Ways to Shape UpThirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? Im so hungry right now.
My Horse Only Comes Out
My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark.
It's becoming a night mare.
TexasAt the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied.
“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Pray Before Eating
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
World Chocolate Day Jokes
July 7th is World Chocolate Day! Find some jokes about it!
Why did the chocolate chip cookie cry? Because his mom was a wafer too long!
What fruit loves chocolate?
There are two types of people in this world:
People who love chocolate and liars.
What is the opposite of Chocolate?
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing?
Almond Joy To The World.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because it lost its filling!
Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty?
They had a Babe Ruth.
Who’s there? Candy boy. Candy boy who? Candy boy have another piece of chocolate?
What did the M&M go to college?
Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What does it do before it rains candy?
Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had his ear bitten off.
One said “Happy Easter!” What did the other one say? “Huh?”
I opened a Mars bar once.
I discovered martians love gin.
Life is like a box of chocolates…
A seven-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars are bad for you.”
The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be 105.” The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No,” says the boy. “But he minded his own business.”
What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?
Why did the chocolate bar go to the dentist?
He had a chip in his tooth.
Why is a Toblerone triangular?
So it fits in the box.