Jokes of the day for Monday, 06 February 2023

A Talking Tree

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Soda Machine

One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.

After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.

The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"

How many does it take?

How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?Part 1:Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

Which monster is always on tim

Which monster is always on time? The Sasqwatch.

Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."  

Fear of Flying

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

Knock Knock Collection 142

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oscar!
Oscar who?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
O'Shea!
O'Shea who?
O'Shea that's a sad story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oslo!
Oslo who!
Oslo down, whats the hurry!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oswald!
Oswald who?
Oswald my chewing gum!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oswego!
Oswego who?
Oswego marching, marching home ...!

The Vase

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

A part in the play

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Being rude is easy

Being rude is easy. It does not take any effort and is a sign of weakness and insecurity. Kindness shows great self-discipline and strong self-esteem. Being kind is not always easy when dealing with rude people. Kindness is a sign of a person who has done a lot of personal work and has come to a great self-understanding and wisdom. Choose to be kind over being right and you’ll be right every time because kindness is a sign of STRENGTH. ~ Author Unknown

Source: Webstagra.ms

God gave men a penis and a brain

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams (1951-2014)

Picture: REX

Demetri Martin: Futon World

Theres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.