Jokes of the day for Friday, 24 February 2023

Climbing Mt. Everrest<

Climbing Mt. Everrest will make you lazy.

Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Chess With My Dog

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart?
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!

Twas the week after Christmas....

TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.

I TURNED ON THE POWER
BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
I GRAB THE COMPUTER
AND START BANGING AND JERKING.

I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
ON JANUARY 1ST
THE DAMN THING WENT 'KERPLUNK'!

WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.

I TURNED ON THE TV
THE CABLE IS DOWN
MY MICROWAVE OVEN
IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.

MY NEW VCR
IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.

IT'S TWENTY BELOW
THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING

THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
AT A WORSE TIME
I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
ON MY BEHIND.

I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY.

'WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
WE WERE Y2K READY
WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
YOUR BALANCE IS..ZERO'!

I DROP THE RECEIVER
TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.

I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.

I JUMP IN THE CAR
TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
IT ONLY GOES 'CLICK'
I SCREAM,'SON OF A BITCH!'

A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
NOT SET UP
FOR THE '2000' DATE.

I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO.

SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!

Shalom Race

As you may know, in a shalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds and the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Next came the Israeli's turn ... the crowd waited, and waited...six minutes!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those idiots put a mezuzah on each gate?"

Stolen Car

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

Knock Knock Collection 137

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Odysseus!
Odysseus who?
Odysseus the last straw!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ogre!
Ogre who?
Ogre take a flying leap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ohio!
Ohio who?
Ohio Silver!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ohio!
Ohio who?
Ohio feeling!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Okra!
Okra who?
Okra Winfrey!

Four legs

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

Guy walks into a bar ...

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm.

Says to the bartender:

"I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."

The Lawn

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"    

Borrowing funds for kitchenwar

Borrowing funds for kitchenware can turn you into a zombie, aka The Wokking Debt.

Hold that thought

Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold onto a thought.

Demetri Martin: Employee of the Month

I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.