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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 April 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 April 2023

Top 10 jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival

1. Masai Graham:
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.

2. Mark Simmons:
Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.

3. Olaf Falafel:
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

4. Hannah Fairweather:
By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.

5. Will Mars:
I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.

6. Olaf Falafel:
I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.

7. Richard Pulsford:
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.

8. Tim Vine:
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.

9. Sophie Duker:
Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.

10. Will Duggan:
I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.

#joke #food
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

3 short fresh jokes

I mentioned to my girlfriend that she had drawn her eyebrows a bit too high.
She seemed surprised.

Mechanic: Your car's got a flat.
Me: It's called a garage.

My girlfriend told me, "If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!"
"I guess.. it’s a matter of wife or death."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

A man entered the bus with bot...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full ofgolf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
#joke #blonde #sport #tennis #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 April 2017
  • Currently 8.89/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (53)

Complete and Finished

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 April 2013
  • Currently 8.02/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (52)

A young lady came home from a ...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
#joke #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 April 2009
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (44)

Actual Answer from a Medical Student

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 April 2010
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (37)

"Simon, if I had eight apples ...

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”

“Huge hands, sir.”
#joke #short #fruit #apple
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 April 2012
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (30)

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and   watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a   foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of   the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his   groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in   agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began   to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical   Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,  she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.  I'll be fine in a  few minutes,' the man replied. He was in  obvious agony, lying in the  fetal position, still clasping his  hands there at his groin. At her  persistence, however, he  finally allowed her to help. She gently  took his hands away  and laid them to the side, loosened his pants  and put her  hands inside..

She administered tender  and artful massage  for several long moments and asked, 'How does  that  feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's  broken!

#joke #sport #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 July 2021
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Brand new Christmas cracker jokes

1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

Pays her off

Voted the best new Christmas cracker joke of 2018, author:Edinburgh teacher, Michael Hughes, 37 - the winner of the competition run by TV Channel Gold.

2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?

Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers

3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?

No prophet

4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?

Their silence

5. When do sheep practice their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night

6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?

The stable has had some wise men in it

7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?

She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?

Suits

9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?

She misjudged the strength of the punch

10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper

11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?

They keep changing the thyme

12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?

Because he’s tired of being in the single market

13.  What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?

Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher

14.  What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?  

Shred sauce

Jokes seen first on:https://www.independent.ie/
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 December 2018
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Expensive Barbie!

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

#joke #sport #gym #divorce
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 September 2016
  • Currently 8.59/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (29)

Pregnant Wife

Wife: "I'm pregnant...."
Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!"
Wife: "No, no you’re not."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Clever News Reporter

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
#joke #animal #donkey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 January 2019
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Mum's operation

Two women were bemoaning the state of the Health Service. One said, "Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?"
"That's appalling," said the other woman. "What a terrible way to treat someone of that age."

"I know," said the first woman. "It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, 'Mum, do you really need bigger b**bs?'"

C/o Roland via 'Tradezone' junk mail in the smoko room.

#joke #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 November 2014
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

BETTER DAYS

BETTER DAYS ARE CAMING - THEY ARE CALLED SATURDAY AND SUNDAY!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 July 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Praise the Lord

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

#joke #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 May 2017
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

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