Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 April 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 April 2023 |
Top 10 jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival
1. Masai Graham:
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.
2. Mark Simmons:
Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.
3. Olaf Falafel:
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
4. Hannah Fairweather:
By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.
5. Will Mars:
I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.
6. Olaf Falafel:
I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.
7. Richard Pulsford:
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.
8. Tim Vine:
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.
9. Sophie Duker:
Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.
10. Will Duggan:
I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.
3 short fresh jokes
I mentioned to my girlfriend that she had drawn her eyebrows a bit too high.
She seemed surprised.
Mechanic: Your car's got a flat.
Me: It's called a garage.
My girlfriend told me, "If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!"
"I guess.. it’s a matter of wife or death."
A man entered the bus with bot...
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full ofgolf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Complete and Finished
There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
A young lady came home from a ...
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.""Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Actual Answer from a Medical Student
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.âAs you can see,â he says, âthe patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.â
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, âWhat would you do in a case like this?â
âWell,â ponders the student, âI suppose Iâd limp, too.â
"Simon, if I had eight apples ...
"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?Huge hands, sir.
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme...
A few more related pun's:
To be pharaoh, it worked.(isolophobichermit of reddit user)
Pharoah 'nough.(kishenoy reddit user)
Joke found on kneeslappingjokes.blogspot.com , Submitted September 20, 2018 by TacoNumeroJuan
Photo: Bild von Tammy Cuff auf Pixabay
Yesterday I went to the doctor...
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
No desire to do anything
I'm currently suffering from NDTDA : No desire to do anything syndrome! A bit apprehensive...
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
Scared Dad
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Lady trying to catch a ride
A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.
She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:
- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn't sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.
- Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it's been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.
- Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:
"Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?"
A blonde and a brunette are ou...
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops."Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
