Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 12 April 2023

Titanic

Q: What do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic?

A: About halfway.

Optometrists

Optometrists watch a lot of tell a vision.

Beam Me Up

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Correct answer is Three...
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Looking Heavenward

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Borrowing A Mule

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down.

He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule.

The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say "Thank the Lord!" to make it go and "Amen!" to make it stop.

So the man said, "Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord!" and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop.

Finally, at the very edge he remembered, "Amen!" The guy was so relieved he shouted, "Thank the Lord!"

“People are choosing ...

“People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.”

Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

A student would do anything

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.
She leans closer to him,
flips back her hair,
and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean,"
she whispers,
"I would do anything..."
He returns her gaze,
"Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens,
"Anything?"
"Anything,"
she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you
... study?"

Little Nancy was in the garden...

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

What's The Difference Bet...

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack

One day a man spotted a lamp b...

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

Note from Mother

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read...
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."