Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 18 October 2016

A lion woke up one morning fee...

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away.
The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."

“He knew his lot in l

“He knew his lot in life was to create the world's greatest mosquito repellant. He had a deet with destiny.”

Little Nancy was in the garden...

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

BETTER THAN EATING THE EVIDENCE

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.

"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 Millionnaire

A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."

Chuck Norris does not beg to d...

Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.

Second Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...

This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot?

My wife found a way...

My wife found a way to hide her candy from the guys at work.

A middle aged Irish woman went...

A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Bejaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

A wife, being the romantic sor...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."

A blind guy on a bar stool sho...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

This morning, my IT...

This morning, my IT guy checked on an install and I raised my empty coffee cup and said, 'Java Installed.'

Whitey was in the fertilized e...

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!
Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”