Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 October 2016

A Guide To Man Language

A Guide To Man Language
"I'm going fishing." Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break honey, you are working too hard." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"You know how bad my memory is." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."
"I can't find it." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

“The successive presi

“The successive president of the local Climate Changes Committee was the carbon copy of his predecessor.”

A biker stopped by the local H

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Bad Day of Golf

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

 You Might Be A Redneck If 32

You might be a redneck if...
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

Chuck Norris threw a grenade a...

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it blew up.

The Butt Biter

A few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom I saw her making the bed.

She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.

So naturally I snuk up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!

Of course I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.

The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately tell her husband what had just happened – I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.

And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie ...

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Three old men

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

Brother -in-law

A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he has money in the bank.

He replied "No money in the bank."

The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

We work by results

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

April Fools’ Day Prank Idea

Putting hole punched paper into someone’s car vents and turning the fan to max. You’ll soon be driving a snow globe.

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and   watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a   foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of   the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his   groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in   agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began   to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical   Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,  she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.  I'll be fine in a  few minutes,' the man replied. He was in  obvious agony, lying in the  fetal position, still clasping his  hands there at his groin. At her  persistence, however, he  finally allowed her to help. She gently  took his hands away  and laid them to the side, loosened his pants  and put her  hands inside..

She administered tender  and artful massage  for several long moments and asked, 'How does  that  feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's  broken!

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.