Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 25 July 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 25 July 2023 |
Trying to Please Mama
The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration. "I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”"Mom, I’m going to the president. I can get you the food you need.”"But how will I get there?”"I’ll send a limo, Mom. Just come!”"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. “See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”Play Your Age
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
He's On Vacay
Just helped my neighbor throw a rolled up carpet in the dumpster...
Her boyfriend would have helped but he is out of town.
Supporting a family...
Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."
"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."
Shakespeare's works have...
Shakespeare's works have recently been climbing up the bestseller charts. It's a sonnet boom!New Gorilla in Bar
A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here." The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."
The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
In A Bad Nursing Home
The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home
- Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
- Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
- Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
- Its named Matlock Manor.
- No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
- Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
- You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
- Rectal thermometers made of wood.
- Two words: Community Bedpan.
Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lostin the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to
buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the
garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
Steve Byrne: Half-Korean, Half-Irish
Its weird when youre a mix. People just want to play detective with your face. Nine times out of 10, theyre polite: Where are you from? Im like, Pittsburgh. Theyre like, Pittsburgh, right. Seriously though, where are you from? Pittsburgh. Like Im from some mutant island south of the Philippines, the island of Half Asia. Its just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.What's the trick?
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Difference between hypothetical and reality
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”
The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'”
The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”
The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'”
The father answers, “OK, son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.”
Crossing The Border
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard."Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"
Unlocking Your Car
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
