Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 July 2023

Hobbled gynecologist

Hear about the hobbled gynecologist, who couldn't walk anywhere without crotches?

Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!

Here's Your Phone

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On:

-Oy to the World

– Schlepping Through A Winter Wonderland

– Hava Negilah – The Megamix

– Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over By A Reindeer

– Enough With Those G** D**** Jingle Bells Already…Sheez!

– Matzo Man (By The Lower East Side Village People)

– I Have A Little Dreidel (The Barking Dog Version)

– Come On Baby, Light My Menorah

– Deck The Halls With Balls of Matzos

– Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky!

Potential Employee’s Application

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee’s application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”

“Well Sir,” the applicant replies, “the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!"

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

Chuck Norris can take an arrow...

Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.

Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I

ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse’

A pregnant woman gets into a c...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 
"Denise," the doctor says. 
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" 
The doctor replies, DeNephew. 

Alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Scary Collection 29

A ghost joke
How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!

A vampire joke
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
Newfangled rubbish!

A ghost joke
What did the polite ghost say to her son?
Don't spook until your spooken to!

A ghost joke
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!

A cannibal joke
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!

A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!

A ghost joke
What do ghouls do when they're in hospital?
They talk about their apparitions!

This is a true story, proving...

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrowfull of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of thatstraw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you thinkthe man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.

Who gets the present?

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Ugliest baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

35 safe short jokes and puns

1. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it was two-tired!

2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!

3. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one!

4. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!

5. What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra!

6. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

7. Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems!

8. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!

9. How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!

10. What is the skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone!

11. Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby?
She was a little horse!

12. Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!

13. How do you organize a space party?
You planet!

14. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crummy!

15. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick!

16. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison!

17. Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side!

18. What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending!

19. How does a train eat?
It goes chew-chew!

20. Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!

21. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

22. What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

23. Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?
Because he always found a way to lift people’s crops!

24. What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business!

25. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!

26. Why did the crab never share?
Because he was shellfish!

27. What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard?
A screensaver!

28. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well!

29. What do you call a cow that can play an instrument?
A moosician!

30. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Arrrrrrrr!

31. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!

32. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador!

33. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!

34. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic!

35. What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing!!