Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 31 May 2017
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 31 May 2017 |
Camouflage Practice
Camouflage PracticePostal workers tend to be men,
Postal workers tend to be men, especially the ones walking around with male sacks.Lost....
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
Unlocking Your Car
![Unlocking Your Car](/jokes-archive/2017/05/31/Unlocking-Your-Car.png.400.jpg)
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Back to the Honeymoon
![Back to the Honeymoon](/jokes-archive/2017/05/31/Back-to-the-Honeymoon.jpg.400.jpg)
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
Teacher: "Tim, what is the out
Teacher: "Tim, what is the outside of a tree called?"Tim: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Tim, bark."
Tim: "Bow, wow, wow!"
A priest, a doctor, and an eng...
![A priest, a doctor, and an eng...](/jokes-archive/2017/05/30/A-priest-2C-a-doctor-2C-and-an-eng-.jpg.400.jpg)
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Two Lions
![Two Lions](/jokes-archive/2012/05/31/Two-Lions.jpg.400.jpg)
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.Donald Glover: We Get It
![Donald Glover: We Get It](/jokes-archive/2010/05/31/Donald-Glover-3A-We-Get-It.jpg.400.jpg)
Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work
![Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work](/jokes-archive/2011/05/31/Martha-Kelly-3A-Preparing-for-Office-Work.jpg.400.jpg)
Words of Wisdom
![Words of Wisdom](/jokes-archive/2016/07/18/Words-of-Wisdom.jpg.400.jpg)
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.