Jokes of the day for Sunday, 10 September 2023

Sodium Hypobromite

Science teacher: "Does anyone here know what sodium hypobromite is?"
Student: "NaBrO!"

When Life Begins

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Jury duty...

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

The murder victim was found dr...

The murder victim was found drowned in a sewage treatment plant. The cause of death was sludgeoning.

Sister in law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Talking Dog for Sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

The boss wondered why one of h...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

Chuck Norris once went skydivi...

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

How Can You Tell When a Blonde Has Been By Your Computer?

Q: How can you tell when a blonde been by your computer?

A: There is cheese by the mouse.

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

You see a gorgeous girl at a p...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

The real reason that we can't...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.

Motional attachment

I will really miss being able to walk if my legs get amputated
It's a case of a motional attachment.

A blonde's car gets a flat ti...

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

Adventures in Disneyland

Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.