Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 December 2023

Monster Under My Bed

Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

When the Circus Is in Town

The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession. The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves. Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."-

Cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

Police Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

Scientifically speaking, it is...

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”

“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

A father is explaining ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business...
"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?

A Department Store

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

A trucker came into a truck st...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "Iwant three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of runningboards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to thekitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered threeflat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. Whatdoes he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair ofheadlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slicescrisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and thenspooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

Casino Money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

Pimp

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A: A pimp.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

Combat for Dummies

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' --U.S. Marine Corps
'Aim towards the enemy.' --Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' --Infantry Journal
'A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' --Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' --U.S. Air Force manual
'Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.' --Infantry Journal
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.' --USAF Ammo Troop
'Tracers work both ways.' --U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.' --Infantry Journal
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' --Infantry Journal
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' --Unknown
'Any ship can be a minesweeper....once.' --Anon
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' --USAF Ammo Troop
'Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.' --Unknown Marine Recruit
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.' --Infantry Journal
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' --David Hackworth

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?