Jokes of the day for Saturday, 13 January 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 13 January 2024 |
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Applications are now being accepted for 2-year-old nursery workers. Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.-Damn Parking Enforcement
I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, 'Great Keith Richards mask!' and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...' and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Chuck Norris' belly button is ...
Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.A young Southern boy goes off...
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the waythrough the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money hisparents gave him.Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won'tbelieve the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog OleBlue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him inthat program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get himinto the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy callshis father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believethis they've had such good results with this program that they'veimplemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get himin that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends themoney.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father willfind out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is allexcited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and readsomething!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, justbefore we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking backin the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then heturned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with thatlittle redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talksto your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Rickey Smiley: White Church
I joined a white church because white people get out on time. You might be a redneck if 57
You might be a reneck if...You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Empire of constipated software
Who made a fortune with his empire of constipated software?
Bilge Ates.
>I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'
Peter Kay (July 2 1973-)
Picture: Getty
Bert always wanted a pair of a...
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered in to the kitchen and said to his wife, Margaret, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off in to the bedroom, undressed and walked back in to the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert. What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!"
And without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a new hat, Bert."
Three older ladies...
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."
The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down."
The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood." With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it."
