Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 November 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 November 2024 |
Your Vote That Counts
In a democracy it's your vote that counts...
In feudalism, it's your Count that votes!
A man has three girlfriends but doesn't know which...
A man has three girlfriends but doesn't know which one to marry.So as a test, he gives each of them $5,000 to see how they spend them.
The first girlfriend gives herself a complete makeover. She got a new hairstyle, new makeup, and a whole new wardrobe. When asked why she did this, she said "I wanted to make myself beautiful for you because I love you so much."
The second girlfriend bought him a bunch of gifts, including a new set of golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen TV. When asked why she did this, she said "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third girlfriend took the money and invested it in the stock market. She doubled her investment, gave the $5k back to him and re-invested the rest. When asked why, she said "I'm investing this money for our future together because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each girlfriend spent the money, and after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Hot Dog!
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
200 Bucks
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.
The wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him."There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
A man was lying in bed with hi...
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine."
Occupational Hazard
Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."
So she finds a saw and off does his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"
I Get No Respect 05
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
John Ramsey: Old Security Passwords
So they ask me, Would you like to answer your secret security password question? I think, Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me. A man and his wife are dining...
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Home for the Holidays
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened."I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.""Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.""Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow."Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
In the Beginning…
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.Then God created man, and then they both rested.Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested. > it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks
You know, it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks:
- Daddy, is this organic?
- Organic?
I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!
Dylan Moran (November 3 1971)
Picture: @LatitudeFest
Tender Missionary
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"
