Jokes of the day for Thursday, 06 October 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 06 October 2016 |
Two retired professors were va
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting in rocking chairs on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
I think there are ab...
“I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world, but that's just a ballpark number.”
How does the Syrian president
How does the Syrian president live with himself? He must look in the mirror and say 'I'm Assad fellow. But everything's gonna be Alawite.'An Alabama preacher said to hi...
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Tender Missionary
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"
Light Bulb Lawyers
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Mommy Mommy 13
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Nuns Confessional
Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a manâs private parts. The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My right hand."
The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Maryâs and all will be forgiven.
The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."
The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Maryâs and all will be forgiven.
Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"
The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"
The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"
Expanding universe
We live in an expanding universe.All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Two Old Drunks
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
The Dentist
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
Some 'Senior' personal ads s...
Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages'' Florida newspapers:(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes andbelt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosserto share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Cutting Class
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dull's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
Pimp
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
The Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.